HAPPY BIRTHDAY
dear Stella
\o/
I was planning to write a poem =P
But I can’t find the words!
Wish all your dreams and desires come true.
Love you WAYED <3
كـــــــل عـــــــام وانتـــي بـالــف خيــــــــــر
^^
Red-lining my life! October 27, 2007
“Red-lining a motorcycle means opening the throttle so hard, with every change of gears, that the needle on the rev-counter is twisted all the way round to the red zone of maximum revolutions. And that’s what we were doing, all of us, in our different ways, Karla and Didier and Abdullah and I: we were red-lining our lives. And Lisa. And Maurizio. Twisting the needle to the red zone.”
- Shantaram, Gregory David Roberts.
Am I too red-lining my life, twisting the needle to the red zone?
Keep on reading..
Something weird has been happening to me lately but I only noticed it today. Little stuff have been making me very angry. What’s the word? Oh ya, outraged! True. I may not reflect it on the outside but I would be burning on the inside. A few days ago I found out that my new t-shirts were no more new. They ruined them instead of washing them. I was so upset about it which made me wonder; why am I so upset? Something similar happened today when I was watching tv in the living room. It also got me wondering; why so angry Nada? But again I wasn’t showing it. I was perfectly calm on the outside but it was eating me on the inside. Maybe that’s exactly the problem. I never let out. With that figured, the solution is easy. Let out more often. Wrong! It’s not that easy. Last time I let go and expressed it, it created an awful seen. I was pointed out to be a spoiled, thankless and cruel daughter. Not something I’d like to repeat.
I think I might know one thing that might help. Sport! But, hmmmm .. What kinda sport? What about boxing? 
Sounds good to me. I think I’ll go to the gym tomorrow and see what I can do there.
Sport might help solving the problem but it’s not gonna solve it. I need to work on the reasons behind me being so angry. When thinking about it I can list a lot of reasons but the only one I can actually work on is my anger towards myself. Yeah, I’m so mad at myself. I always seem to remind myself of the things I shouldn’t and should have done. I know this is wrong. I even remember myself telling one of my friends once that sometimes we have to forgive ourselves, that that is the only way we can move on. I’ve already applied it with some of the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t think I would have been able to go on if I didn’t forgive myself but part of my brain always reminds me of my faults. It shouldn’t but it does, I know that. Just as I know that I shouldn’t eat myself on the inside but I’m doing it. The only thing that I think will solve this, is me improving myself. How? That’s hard to determine. The answer is too long I guess. Will I be able to do it? I don’t knoW! But I better be coz I can’t take this anymore 
Someone thinks I’m being too harsh on myself. I DISAGREE, big time. Being lazy and slacking is what got me here in the first place. Just wish me luck people and I’ll let you know how it goes with me.
Forever Friends October 26, 2007
I often think about this certain incident. I wonder; would I have been able to change something if I reacted differently? Will I ever be able to see her again and tell her what I really wanted to tell her. I’m not sure why I kept silent, why was I reluctant to speak up? Is it because I hardly knew her? I think I remember now. It was, indeed, the fact that she was a stranger to me. I hesitated. I was thinking; why should I bother? And I regret it now. I feel sorry that I missed that opportunity. What could have happened if I did speak up? I feel ashamed for letting my doubts paralyze me. I’ve always had faith in people but there are a lot of things that happen in life that shake those solid grounds you base your beliefs upon. In some situations it works for our benefit but I’m sure that wasn’t the case that day. I’m sure that I lost a great friend, an honest heart and a valuable mentality.
It sounds weird but I know we’ll meet again. If not in this life then in the next one and I’ll be able to do what my corrupted mind prevented me from doing. I’ll say what should have been said and I’ll befriend her. I’m sure we’ll make great friends =)
Speaking about friends, I miss Lama. I have been blessed by many good friends. Few of them, I just can’t live without but no one will ever be what she was. There is this place in my heart that refuses to be occupied by anyone else except her. But I think this is always the case. No one can ever fill someone else’s space.
I miss talking to her. I miss hanging out with her. I miss arguing with her about all sort of things; family, school, movies, books, shopping, politics, religion and the list goes on. I miss knowing that I could see her whenever I wanted to see her. I miss the fact that she knew more about me than I knew about myself. I keep thinking; I’ll get used to not having her around but I never do. How can I get over the closest person to my heart, mind and soul? It won’t happen. I’m not gonna let it happen. I’m gonna keep her memory with me [ كل شي حولي يذكرني بذكراها ] until the day that brings us back together. No matter how long this day is yet to come, I still can see it coming. I can’t perceive any other possibility. I need hope and I need my other precious friends. I need them to hold on to me and go through this journey with me.
Funny how whenever I start writing a post I end up writing about my friends. I guess what I have been trying to say in most of my posts sums up in these few words; I think the WORLD of you.
An old design I made.
The ideal life? October 18, 2007
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience; this is the ideal life.
I found this line somewhere and once I read it I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I wish I had all those 3 elements but I’m close! I have the good friends =) plenty of good books and a sleepy conscience, well, I’m getting there =P
Good friends ~
A friend:
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in “you”
(C)alls you just to say “HI”
(D)oesn’t give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust “be” with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plain things you don’t understand
(Y)ells when you won’t listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
That’s what you are to me and much, much more =)
Good books ~
I’m reading this book called Shantaram. Pretty nice but a bit too long. My problem is that I wanna finish everything in an instant which is unrealistic, i know. I’m really enjoying it though.
A few books that I’m eager to read after I finish Shantaram:
- Hegemony or Survival by Noam Chomsky.
- The Afghan by Frederick Forsyth.
- Princess by Jean Sasson.
